Slum Lords Victorious

Though initially hesitant to play slow paced monopoly, I had nothing better to do and entered the game at the mini-brothel. The setting was appropriate, as it would be the underbelly of society which would eventually be victorious.

Armed with one of my shady, cheesy grandfather collection slumlord hats, I faced off with the three opposing teams with aspiring porn directory Lou at my side. Early on it was clear that fortune favored the pampered ideologue Aaron Hanlon and his bumbling yet sensitive partner Matias. Greg and Amy, stole romantic glances as they moved clearly into the second position, perhaps considering settling down to a nice little house under a willow tree on Virginia Avenue. Gar and his girlfriend proved that luck is not something which aids a slumlord. Though they found prosperity with their slummish lot, staking the early claim to third, they did not have the qualities neccessary for survival in the real world.

Lou and I had such qualities in spades. While we may have never possessed more than 4 pieces of property (including Baltic and Mediterrean), we never felt sorry for ourselves, and instead accepted our lot in life. Soon, we would need to mobilize all of our shady connections to gaurantee our way of life, as we were hit by Greg and Amy for what appeared to be the death blow on a hotel brandishing St. Charles. But death was not in the cards for the resilient slumlords. Frightened that our property would benefit Greg and Amy and turn the tide against them, the buggling Matias and Aaron, who on paper seemed to be the leaders at the time, suggested that we pay what we could, and they’d cover the rest. No, we said. But when they threw in immunity for the rest of the game on all of their property both present and future, we relented.

The only problem is, we actually had $5 to spare. We wouldn’t have been knocked out anyway. So basically, we somehow managed to get immunity on all of Matias and Aaron’s “majestic” lands for no reason whatsoever.

After a few big hits, Garfield and his girlfriend fell by the wayside, gauranteeing Lou and I third. Not content with that position, we offered our morgaged non-monopoly property to Greg and Amy, in exchange for immunity on the St. Charles properties, as well as $760. An arbitrary number, one might say. But oh no, it was enough to unmorgage Baltic and Mediterrean, build hotels on them, and still absorb a railroad hit. Not only that, but we were now immune to every monopoly in the game, plus Greg and Amy could still hit us.

As they previously happy couple’s fortunes dwindled, so too did their once rosy relationship. Disgruntled and stressed, Greg lashed out at his earnstwhile counterpart for her failure to control random chance. But he was not the only victum to the slumlord’s persistent meddling. Matias, embarrassed by Aaron’s blunder and upset that we were still in the game for no reason, became increasingly distraught, perhaps fueled by my consistant reminders that if they didn’t win it would be the biggest blunder in the history of monopoly. On the verge of tears, he looked to Aaron for help, but alas, Aaron’s doctrine only look good on paper, and he was unable to provide any advice for a real life situation.

Lou and I proceeded to live the low-life in luxury, sleeping whereever we pleased without having to worry about cost. Meanwhile, Greg and Amy slowly died out. Finally, with 10 minutes remaining before the 12 midnight hard deadline, they folded, gauranteeing us second place.

Hoping to secure a tie for first, we claimed that the game was over. Matias and Aaron insisted that total assets must be tallied once the game ended at midnight. Considering the fact that we had only $800 in total assets, Lou and I knew the end was near. However, we were satisfied with our moral victory.

Yet in the end our patience paid off. Pretending to agree with Matias, I helped him put all of his money away, as though the game was over. At 11:58 PM, he realized that we still had our money while he was broke. The property was in the box, and he had just argued ardently for 10 minutes that assets make the winner. I, with my hobo-hat and physics boots, and Lou, with a pimp hat and smarmy smile, left the monopoly table as the first monopoly victors whose only property was the slummest of the slums. For this day, it was the slumlords who reigned supreme, and the rich ideologues who were left to ponder their fates.

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