I’m about two posts away from needing a category exclusively for personal hygiene. This evening was one of those weekend nights where I…go to Wegmans. Now, granted, Wegmans is the greatest supermarket on the planet, better, even, than SuperFresh, but normally I wouldn’t brag about being there on a Saturday night. No, normally I’d have an embarrassed non-verbal exchange with the floor manager and move on. But today I was addressing a personal hygiene concern, namely dry, itchy skin on my back where I can’t reach it. Among other things, but that was high on my list.
No more than three minutes into my shopping trip, I stood facing a line-up of incomprehensible cleaning products. After deciding on Aveeno, because I used to take baths in it when I had chicken pocks (both times) and it was disgusting, I was face to face with this thing. And I almost bought one too. But I picked it up, held it momentarily, and tossed it back in disgust; “Are you serious?” I said to myself.
No, I went to the dish washing section instead. Now, if this doesn’t exfoliate, I don’t know what will.
And now a story.
A year and a half ago, I applied for a job that required elevated clearance. I was summarily dismissed from the investigation process halfway through. Interested in enumerating some of my faults, I requested the information on my file via the Freedom of Information Act.
Nothing happened for 18 months. And then today I got a 50 page packet in the mail. About 43 pages of it was photocopies of all the crap they made me fill out, but the rest was fascinating, you know, if you like reading about me, which I do. Included was my psychological evaluation. If this is the reality of my existence, I see no reason why I shouldn’t make it public – after all, it’s plain enough to see. I am, apparently, what I am.
I remember the interview well – it was non-eventful, even pleasant. I had scored somewhat high on the 300 question psych exam. By “high” I don’t mean that I got a 94% for awesomeness either, it was more of a “elevated for craziness” sort of high. But not that high, it was something of an averagely aberrant set of numbers.
“Mr. Furst,” it reads, “is a 25-year-old man who looks his chronological age.” Why, thank you. “He was tall and lanky.” I was? Did that change? OK, don’t see where you’re going with this, but yeah, I guess tall and lanky does the trick. “He presented as dysphoric, cynical, and socially withdrawn.” Hey now! Time to bust out the dictionary. Fidgety; no surprises here. Though to be honest, I had hoped that my perpetual motion wasn’t, you know, third sentence sort of material. Lest I develop a big head, I suppose the chronologically correct compliment had to be followed by something to bring me back down to earth.
Or, as it would turn out, fourth pages of something to bring me back down to earth.
In conclusion, I came up as a veritable cornucopia of mild deviations from standard human psychological states. I have the possibility for mood swings, for instance, a stunner if you’ve read this website for more than two weeks in a row. Mild depression – well, you have to swing to something. A grab-bag of personality traits ranging from narcissistic to obsessive compulsive to controlling to cynical. Newsflash. And, in general, I suppose that I’m a “moderate to high risk for future impaired functioning” and the like. Hasn’t really happened yet, this hypothetical impaired functioning, but heck, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I will always be poised. I try to make believe (and apparently fail), but I am no machine.
It’s all more or less accurate, with a couple of exceptions. Like the part where it says that I have difficulty standing up for myself – not really true. Like right here, for instance, as it relates to that sentence.
While it’s perhaps disconcerting that the federal government thinks me “only minimally to moderately reliable in [my] self-report” (and we’ll see how well I hang on to what I need to keep my job in six months when that’s reevaluated for that!), I’m not eager to let it keep me up at night a second time. I already failed at all this 18 months ago, heck, I almost ran away to graduate school because of it, no need to revisit what I already knew.
I am how I am because that’s just how I was made. I didn’t choose it, but I wouldn’t trade it either. I had hoped that a 15 minute interview wouldn’t tell a trained eye that I am multiply (muhl-tuh-plee) deficient, but guess what, we live in a deficient world. One is only vulnerable when he’s afraid of what people will find out about him; weaknesses are only weaknesses if they make you weaker. The goal shouldn’t be to hide what you are. The goal is to use what you have, whatever that may be, to glorify God as best you can.
That and exfoliation.
Words 
i think it would help your reading audience if we had an evaluation of your interviewer. maybe you’re “tall and lanky” b/c he has little man’s syndrome? or was this person a complete blank?
Nah, it was a standard issue middle aged woman, no reason why she’d be threatened or insecure in my presence. She looked normal enough to me, very measured in her reactions etc. Perhaps the most disconcerting aspect of all of this is that I remember the conversation as uneventful or even pleasant. I wasn’t particularly uncomfortable with any of it. And yet she’s on the other side of the table jotting down a variety of non-uplifting impressions.
I have some feedback about the last paragraph of this post. We are all flawed, yes, but that doesn’t mean that we just write off our flaws and keep going. In my own life, I can surely say that yes, I can become too reactive or too intense and just write it off as the way I am, without taking any responsibility to try to address some of those things. But, I don’t think it would have been good for myself or anyone else had I continued to be as reactive and intense as I was as a 12 year old or even a 22 year old. Facing some of my own weaknesses and surrendering them has been significant for my own personal, spiritual, and relational growth.
I think embracing our fallen selves is very important…but it’s ultimately about remembering that prize to which we are being called, all the while allowing ourselves to be sanctified along the way.
This weeks Bible study is on just this topic – excuse making and self-justification. On my own, I’m in 2nd Corinthians, and just this morning I happened upon this. Now, there is speculation as to what Paul is referring to here, but the point remains – there are some things that don’t change and exist for a greater good. Being hyper emotional, for instance, is an issue more when it manifests itself in negative outward behaviors. In and of itself, it’s a point of commonality between you and a huge subset of humanity (in this case termed “women”). The best people to minister to alcoholics are other alcoholics, the same goes for most anything.
That being said, I’m considering a few things. Believe it or not, despite my “limited psychological awareness”, I do keep track of all of these issues as well as those of my own identification and attempt to work on them. I am considering discussing the findings somewhere, if only because the report has impacted me more than I would have guessed.
Well…the last person I dated was more hyper-emotional than me, so I’d be careful to generalize about the issues I spoke of as being gender-specific. I also could have mentioned my level of worry/anxiety, self-esteem, obesession with being single/not single over time, etc.
Regardless, this report is the report of one clinician and one clinician only. Don’t read into it too much. You’ve already read the report so I think you should put it away for a while.
Dude, what the hell kind of job was this for?! Is this what they do to filter out the American Jihad among us? “Tall & lanky, chiseled facial features, online photographic evidence indicates pastimes include dousing self in mud & rose petals with other young Dionysian lads. Doesn’t look like he’s embittered enough to adopt Islam and strap a bomb to himself. Yeah, I guess I’d trust him around my teenage daughters, so sure, let’s give him clearance to design Halliburton’s WMDs.”
You are very dedicated to that mental image, but no, it was far less complementary. I don’t think they propertly researched that – and you’d be hard pressed to locate that particular picture. If not for the fact that you’ve made it your computer’s background.
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