Before anyone starts putting two and two together here, I swear this particular thought has no real life motivation – I rediscovered it two weeks ago. Seriously.
I have, in the past, been frustrated by Christians who refused to read the Old Testament, considering it to be too esoteric or at least partially obsoleted. First off, it’s not obsolete, not a single jot or tittle. Second, think of it this way. It’s like you’re going to marry someone (you know, because you are! What I’m speaking about here is Christ and the church). If you really do love that person…aren’t you interested in meeting the family? Don’t you want to see where that person came from? Don’t you want to know what he or she is all about? You’re making a supposedly big commitment, aren’t you interested in learning about his or her character as much as you can? I mean, if you’re really making a commitment to the Creator of the Cosmos…shouldn’t you be at least a little curious about what he’s like? His name is YHWH – “I Am” – after all. I feel like that should at least induce the question, “I Am…what?”
This is what the Old Testament is. It’s an intro to God. It’s a collection of events that connect God to man – how have God’s other relationships worked out? It tells you what he values; what he loves and what he hates. It catalogs his conversations with others, it explains his views on the future, and this time of year it provides the reason for the season.
Without it, you are a ship without a rudder, tossed about by every wind of doctrine, susceptible to all varieties of half truths and subtle deception. It seems like a healthy relationship should not only plan for the future while rejoicing in the present, but should also be rooted in the reality of the past.
Words 
The Old Testament does not provide the reason for the season unless you interpret a bunch of OT stuff as referential to NT stuff.
What I want to know is, how come Jesus doesn’t want me? I’m serious. How come I keep coming back to look at Christianity and even try praying to your guy, and even get deeply soul-felt answers, but the answer is always something to the effect of “You have a different deal.”
Is this one of those “many are called, few are chosen” things? Seriously. Because I don’t hear a lot about people who genuinely look into getting “saved” only to find out Jesus doesn’t want to save them. I’m starting to wonder if it’s less like falling in love, and more like trying to get a prom date.
This made me cry today, which is really stupid, because I have a perfectly good God who loves me, and whom I love, but I can’t seem to get over this life-long Jesus envy. I mean, I always do for a while, but eventually, I start loitering around Christianity again, going to churches, that kind of thing. And it keeps on not happening. So is it me? All kinds of rat-bags get saved. What am I? Chopped liver?
Tell me, because you’re the most honest Christian I know. Also the smartest one.
We’ve trod this ground a number of times in our few years together AE. I’ve taken it as a priori that there was something deficient in your attitude, something that you were hanging on to, something, who knows what, that was preventing you from seeing what was there. But maybe that’s not the case. Maybe we were looking at this the wrong way.
I don’t know the answer to your question. I doubt the legitimacy of my relationship as well, I can’t stand here and pontificate with more authority than my own heart holds. I know what is true. I know what is right. I know what I believe. But sometimes there is no meat on those bones, and I don’t know why. I can’t tell you why you can’t find sustenance in Jesus.
One thing I can state confidently, however, is that God is sovereign. His timeline is not your timeline. He has a plan for you. I don’t know what it is, and neither do you. Pharaoh’s heart was hardened for the sake of glorifying God through counter-intuitive means – perhaps your eyes are temporarily clouded for the sake of building in you a character that can, on that day when he needs you to, bring him glory in through a mechanism that none of us could ever conceive of. He will not, does not, and has not turned his back on you if you’ve sought him; indeed, your action of seeking him is already proof that he’s previously touched your life. You would have no desire after God if he had not, sinful as we are.
One thing that I’ve loved learning over the last half decade…you mention all the “rat-bags” that get saved, and wondered why you didn’t meet some criteria if they did. First, as above, your story is not over yet. Second, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed learning the lesson that I am no better than any of those supposed rat-bags. I am one too. So are you. Don’t look at it like “wow, he saved even them, surely he’d save me!” It’d be more accurate to say “wow, he saves people like me!”
Anneelena, you have not left my prayer list in four years. Something, somewhere, somehow will come together for you. I fully intend to be uplifted by the story on that day.
Mmm. Thanks, E1. That’s kinda what I was thinking (hoping), without a foregone conclusion that the current deal really isn’t the one I’m supposed to have after all. As for the ratbags, believe me, all I think I have over them is an impatient willingness, which is just another way of framing a kind of defiant willfulness, which is just one breath from criminal activity at any given moment. I believe that. Indeed, I’ve often wondered if that was the problem, like maybe I’m really not true-hearted about it, or something. Maybe my “checking in” attempts have really been more in the vein of sneaking up on God, like I’m casually whistling through the faith aisle, innocently surveying the goods, but secretly waiting for an opportune moment to pocket me a little salvation. Ugly. I dunno. He knows my heart better than I, of that I am sure. Sigh. We are a stiff-necked people…
And I thank you for your prayers.