A few months ago, I drew the ire of several women by claiming that if I breast fed, I would be a prodigious producer of milk. I’d train at it day and night until I was lowing a few hours before dawn, begging someone to relieve the pressure into some tin can somewhere. As it turns out, that’s the sort of thing that one doesn’t mention to a group of breast feeding women. I was pretty sure they’d realize I was kidding. Maybe technically I wasn’t kidding. Either way, it should have been non-threatening at least.
You know what else I would do if I were a woman? I’d check the current condition of the toilet before launching my bare ass onto the seat. Now, I once had a cat that would try to drink out of the toilet – I myself have been fairly well trained to put the seat down after I use it. I am often confused by the complaints levied against less considerate men, however, and even more befuddled by the assertion that many women have “fallen in” by attempting to sit on a seatless toilet.
I don’t see why you need to cut corners. It’s not a complicated process.
1) Locate toilet
2) Clear pathway of impediments (clothes, cover, etc – though I can’t fathom what the “cetera” would consist of)
3) Sit
Does it kill you to check the initial state of the seat before sitting? Do they ever forget to check, only to squat down and realize that the top over is still down? Oh silly me!
A few other things I’d do:
1) Sow[sic] my own wedding dress. I think that Adam and Bethany should have their entire bridal party make their own dresses/suits.
2) Skip the epidural.
3) Avoid Vera Bradley bags. Though I might make a quilt out of Vera Bradley bags, especially April 2006.
4) Avoid capri pants. I’d either wear pants or go whole hog with shorts. For whatever it’s worth, Michael has a full set of capri shirts.
5) I’d leave in leave-in conditioner for like three or four days.
Words 
Glad your supposed lactating prowess finally made the blog. and i think girls have been known to pee on toilet seat covers on accident… like… when half-asleep. pretty sure i did that once. when i was 6.
It’s really not a complicated process. Though I did apparently try to pee on my parents while sleep walking when I was 4. And either my brother or I (can’t remember who gets credit for this one) peed in a laundry basket while asleep.
These days, when I have to pee while sleeping, I dream of nothing but peeing. I am urinating almost exclusively where I shouldn’t be in those dreams – the corner of some room mostly. And I always get caught in the dream. I have never awoke to find that I had actually gone through with it, however.
Hmm… what kind of seeds would you use to sow your own wedding dress? That sounds like a cool idea: presenting yourself to your chosen one in a bridal gown grown straight up out of God’s earth.
I love that you used both the words “lowing” and “sowing” (if incorrectly) in this entry. Gives it a nice country feel.
I always make that mistake. What’s a pig? Is that a sow too? I’ll leave it as is since I know how much you hate when I make your comments meaningless. Maybe I’ll add a “sic” to it to let them know that I know that it’s not right.
I originally started with “baying”, but cows don’t bay and I’m not sure on that spelling either. I considered mooing, but that’s not classy, and I decided that I was already on eggshells for even trodding upon the topic. I did my best to soften it, as I’m not particularly interested in a war with Erin Donovan.
[…] July 6, 2009 by E1st I wanted to called this “look before you leap”, but wouldn’t you know it, I already did that. […]